heat stroke - paulo coelho's binding melts in my hands sitting outside in the back-garden reading this afternoon...
i finish the thriller & find out it was completed on godfrey's b-day 2008a.D. ...

full moon. 'blade trinity' on late-nite tv - i've been wanting to watch blade all week, unknowingly (godfrey stuck a male odalisque poster on our bedroom wall feat. ryan reynolds) ...

buying essential oil with my wages from helping inmy mother's boutique. i meet my sub-standard b (grade 2) teacher, mrs bekkers when i go toothbrush shopping .

i buy a 'superman' logo leather belt from a nice camerounian vendor on the beach front. i interrupt him when he sings a sad lament so he talks about liking coloured ppl; his coloured wife & son...

my mother is amused by the young 'phineas' in 'around the world in 80 days'.

i regret not helping shaun in the library but it's closing time & the ladies are rushing out with everything already shut down.

"Hi marcerlino i dnt knw wer u stay bt i hav sum soup 4 u pls can u meet me at the library its nyc +warm redy to drink cu nw nw" - sms from Shahieda...

second time around up all night with paulo (coelho)... last night i thought it would be a one night stand ('the winner stands alone') but his books need to be relished slowly...

claudia should be thankful for her looks because her brains are questionable - early mid-night/mid-morning ity starts to rain & she's mauwing by the backdoor, so i fetch her outside but place her on the window sill hoping she learns to come in through the window... after staring perplexed at the outside/inside conundrum she jumps back outside.

shahieda makes delicious soup & paaper chips for the women at the library to sample and shares some with me. i take it home for my mother, who enjoys it. i'm reading about european renaissance culture & fed by an islamic woman - how appropriate considering islam's influence on medieval europe.

i feel sad thinking about how i exploited godfrey's cooking skills just like my primary school teachers exploited my drawing skill - i never really recovered my love of drawing after it was turned into a tedious, menial daily duty in primary school.

'the devil wears prada' is on tonight - i missed watching it when godfrey & t.o. took it out years ago because i was migraine sick in the next room at godfrey's loft. madonna's 'vogue' & alanis' cover of seal's 'crazy' on the soundtrack surprise me.

fatima returned my 'fundamentals of thought' scientology text-book earlier this morning. on facebook i see that since yesterday clinton is in a relationship - i'm happy for him but feel a slight sense of loss. we're out of touch for a long time.

evening, i'm watering the small food garden behind the kitchen. turtle-doves are hooting on the rooftops. i like listening to prince's "pink cashmere" at sunset, with the clouds lit up pink. a 3 quarter moon hangs in the sky to the north. remarkably strange wind tunnel effect when a low flying jet zooms overhead. i haven't appreciated how beautiful the twilight turning to moonlit night can be. the cats are acting very familiar. claudia & i sit & stare at the moon.

like 'ugly betty' i'm also in relationship limbo with a non-existent sex life. 'swingtown' ends tonight - i love the theme song - cute.

i trim & patch the faux-fur, reject sample jacket. all my life i've worn patched samples like a home-made frankenstein. it's doused in cappuccino extract essential oil - if i scent it with musk the dogs in the street'll start barking after me again. it's very peacock but a little hunterly - i dislike 'hercules' on tv for kevin sorbo not draping lion fur.

friends of "strand-south" (the correct place name is debated) library meeting...

"Please wish our "Impossible Princess" a very happy b-day & congrats on You for surviving her another year. Love You both. Thanks a lot for the book." - sms to fatima on her daughter, reyana's birthday...

sandra realizes her dream of recording a song when she sings celine dion's 'immortality' in "bogey" 's studio ... we're both tremendously excited.

i miss 'ugly betty' because my mother & i are working late, cutting dress patterns & sewing.

we lay together in the morning... sandra visits to tell us her recording sesion is tomorrow... gale-wind gusting; strandloper; ... i sort out some banking business.

the library is a bee-hive.

i suddenly feel distant from godfrey. at night we sleep in separate rooms.

godfrey arrives from sandra shortly after lunch. my mother has left for dion's place already.

he mends his old velvet jacket - reassuring positive turn; his care-taking sensibilities are returning ...
godfrey watches 'blood diamond' & i join him halfway - fitting that we should end off watching a movie with djimon hounsou since he started his cinematic career in our janet theme song : ...

last night i dreamt my childhood idol, our physical training & history teacher, mr. lategan took me on a guided tour of my neighbourhood & introduced me to people i didn't know...

nur-isha & tasneem, nur/(dj angelo)'s wife & daughter tell me to go help maureen & lorraine at the library when they return from researching tasneem's homework.

godfrey calls to ask if he can sleep over. he'll be visiting sandra.

heat stroke outside ...

my grandmother takes her bathtime before lunch these days (?). i ask her more about when her mother was kidnapped by a monster snake. she replies, she was wed in the court at bellville(?). when i explain my question correctly she says she was a child tied to her mother's back the whole episode.

sandra has bartered studio time with "bogey" / zahier in exchange for driving lessons for his sister.

'de-lovely' on tv tonight ...

"i was praying to Love @ sunset. i hope u got the message. remember U'e beautiful, loved & blessed. keep well" - sms sent to godfrey ...

... songs can save lives : songs that have carried me thru across turbulent times include prince's "beautiful,loved and blessed" (i played this especially for godfrey during a previous deep depression & break-up) "i'm better than the day before because You've made me confess that I Am beautiful, loved and blessed..." & peter gabriel's "i grieve" : "... life carries on in the people i meet, in everyone that's out on the street, in all the dogs & cats, in the flies & rats, in the rot & the rust, in the ashes & the dust... it's just the car that we ride in, the home we reside in, the faces we hide in, the way we are tied in... " (with my grandmother's sister's passing & to commemorate godfrey's mother's passing). whenever he's gone away i play "while the earth sleeps" & pray for his safety "{macedonian / english}
Dali znaesh mila majko / Do you know, my dear mother
shto sum ne srekjna / How unhappy (miserable) I am?
Cel den doma sama sedam / All day I sit at home alone,
Nadvor ne smejam. / I am not allowed outside. " ...

oprah is the modern delphic oracle. i read her valentine 'o' magazine : about recoverable disappointment in life vs. irrevocable depression (self interpretation!); internal mid-life crisis amid material satisfaction; ownership of self in singledom etc. ...

i'm re-reading 'a new earth' : reconciling daimonism (as in greek 'eudaimonia' - well-being) with self-possession (or rather its negative, identification as in "not-self" possession) ...

at home my grandmother warns that a big bird sneaks in godfrey's food garden to eat the cauliflower. it looks like an ibis; for the past couple of years i see or hear a pair of them flying over our yard whenever i read a significant passage or have a breakthrough in our backyard - i guess their familiars...

the cats have a massive, snarling gang-fight of a hissy-fit in the kitchen by the open backdoor; godfrey's "claudia" protects her borderlines against a ginger cat marking territory (shitting)... i guess this blog is my territorial marking : i'm marking off chunks of my lifetime in cyberspace; but like wilhelmina told mark in 'ugly betty', who also suffered a break-up last night, "no one is as interested" in your mis-adventures as yourself. blogging still is a useful tool for self reflection (narcissism?) ...

i'm walking home when my eyes focus & "i saw the sign" - and it read 'caltex'.

i bump into brent's cousin, jerome, whom i haven't seen in ages, walking with his son & old man.

mr riffel from across the road gives our household a basket of prunes from their franschoek farm - how aristocratic.

the night is wind-still (godfrey & i had planned to sleep outside on a night like this). a neighbouring town's night-life establishment has a searchlight that swings across sparse low-flying clouds. tonight i see a star with my naked eyes for the first time since i was a child. my eyes are regaining their focus.

"Mr Bletcher (X). Feeling better yet? Keep well." to godfrey c/o lucy, 12h37, 17 feb 10

"Thank you. Feeling better yes. Busy creating Lucy's brochure. Will email you. Let me know when i can come visit. You keep well too" godfrey/lucy, 12h33, 17 feb 10

"hello Shahieda. unfortunately notthis week for me." to shahieda, 8h56, 17 feb 10

"Ok i wil c u at the library" shahieda, 8h51, 17 feb 10

"Hi marcelino hw r u r u free today?can we go to ct pls rply shahieda" shahieda, 8h40, 17 feb 10

(found object in front library) chinese year of the iron tiger ...

godfrey calls me to hunt some info in one of his old diaries.

the quotes in the footers are gems :

"There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva" - josh groban

"i'm so clever that sometimes i don't understand a single word of what i'm saying" - oscar wilde

"i put all my genius into my life; i put only my talent into my work" - oscar wilde

"it is better to be beautiful than to be good (camille paglia's "visionary materialism"), but it's better to be good than be ugly" - oscar wilde

"moderation is fatal. nothing succeeds like excess" - oscar wilde

"love me when i least deserve it, because that's when i really need it" - swedish proverb

"this suspense is horrible. i hope it will last" - willy wonka

"dogs have owners, cats have staff" - anon.

i turn on the telly to check out cape town tv but on the other channel tyra is showcasing janet & cirque du soleil's 'zumanity'. i watch guiltily. i never want to become a daytime tv addict. it's bad enough being an under-employed "stay-at-home mummy's boy"(someone called jr ewing that in an article i read today). daytime tv watching would be simply decadent.

"when severn are one"(?) 7 days; 7 colours; 7 classical planets; 7 chakra; 7 musical notes ... at prayer time (sunrise; zenith; sunset & nadir) i feel my aura more active than usual.

my 'facebook' status still reads i'm "in an open relationship" even though i'm newly single... as far as i'm concerned i'm in an open relationship with the universe : i'm polyamorous even when i'm single; alone ...

josh groban 'X, joy of man's desiring'! ... 'book of love' on tv...


all day i'm in my rose vest - i wear it every valentines' day. i bought it at young designer emporium's valentine's sale in 2001a.D. ... the sales clerk gave me a massive discount on it because apparently i was dressed smartly (on platform boots) : the ppl who have get given more. i liked it because it has the same pattern as a range of underwear from maya's old 'alfalfa' clothing line ...

dauver, dion's nephew, slept over in godfrey's abandoned spare room - i had to clean up last night & hang up rest of curtains. morning i take him to library to web search 'puter engineering courses. he meets other congolese at library.

i have afro-celt sound system's 'persistence of memory' looping in my head; i feel wistful :

When I’m traveling far from home
On the wide horizon
I can feel you’re still around
And the dream overtakes me

Then I know, you’ll stay in this moment
We’ll go where it’s flowing
You’ll be what you want to be
Right here, with me

When I’m out here on my own
And it all cuts through me
I see you’re safe alone
Ah, then it hits me

And I know, you’re here in this moment
Right where it’s flowing
You are what you want to be
Right here, with me

Stay in this moment
Go where it’s flowing
You are what you want to be
Right here, with me . . . with me . . . with me... "

. . .

GODFREY visits. we talk...

'chicago' on tv tonight.

i miss carol, who's hectic schedule has her driving guests off to a stemtech presentation without me.

i miss godfrey's cooking (it's back to fried eggs & jacket potatoes - a dish andy from the london connection introduced me to when he used to feed me lunch daily wile i was his student - @ all hours of the day).

i file-shared peter gabriel's 'book of love' after finding out it was released as a free download.

"Running late but wil pick u up after 7" carol, 18h13, 11 feb 10

awesome rolling thunder all through the night - bright lightning strikes with long pauses between flashes & roars rip the firmament.

@ the library, marlon explain that the prophet's admonition of sleep was against missing morning prayers for the sake of some shut eye.

maureen had told me long ago to watch 'shall we dance', so i finally take out the dvd from the library today.

to my surprise i discover peter gabriel on the rom-com soundtrack. lump in my throat, i'm stunned by 'the book of love' :

"The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures,
and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it's just transcendental
Some of it's just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings"...

susan sarandon's character says we marry because we want someone to bear witness to our life. i've heard that before in another movie & agree. godfrey & me "jumped the broom" within our 1st week of meeting, @ the cape town slave lodge literally with lucy as witness (she used the janitor's broomstick). later we had the aids commemoration lemon bush in the centre of the companje gardens as our witness tree - the school kids laughed @ us kissing before it. i took that childish playful vow seriously. as a wedding band i gave him the mood ring that my old factory quality control, michelle's sister gave me. (she just gave me a mood ring, out of the blue as a gift 1 day, years after i was fired from aerodyne & we met again on the train). he didn't like it & said it doesn't work properly. to my mind we were committed & only need GOD as witness. man-made legal contracts are irrelevant.

tonight i visit sandra & lolla. we conspire about sandra's next carrer moves now that she's been retrenched and is independent (she's upset about a near-hit on the lotto) & lolla's options of further study vs. own apartment...

growing up my biggest fear was becoming a useless male. unemployed; unproductive. godfrey lands jobs so easily. but he's continually job-hunting. i sulk & lost interest in pursuing jobs in my fields of interest (both visual art & sound engineering). my biggest regret in our relationship was when i wasn't present enough to support him - like when he was teaching the mentally challenged adults fulltime, in athlone but still commuting home every evening to make dinner for us & my family - mother, grandmother & sister. making food was an arrangement with my mother to ensure rent-free living but i should've contributed more ...

"Safe Home.Good Luck 2morrow. (mwah!)" to sandra, 21h37, 10 feb 10

"Thnx my angel!glad u safe,mwah 2 u 2!:-)" sandra, 21h33, 10 feb 10

"Hallo engel!x trug:-)mwah!" sandra, 16h29, 10 feb 10

"hello Mal-Mooi-Vrou! kan ek maar my Madonna dvd komoptel asb. sal jy my missed call wanneer jy by die huis kom. geniet jou dag Blompot!" to sandra, 15h36, 10 feb 10

"Halo my skat!:-)sal so maak,jo laat weet sodra ek byri hys is,mwah!" sandra, 15h31, 10 feb 10

"OK.foul weather, anyway.c u soon." to shahieda, 8h18, 10 feb 10

"Hi marcelin can we leave our trip 4 sum other tym'?" shahieda, 8h03, 10 feb 10

i'd forgotten about the fossl meeting to report back from the librarians story-tellilng workshop - carol calls me to remind they've started. marlon quotes the prophet, mohammed (pbuh) : "prayer is better than sleep". i try to warn he shouldn't undervalue sleep. i open facebook pages for la reference 1&2 and lucy's boutique. maureen laments me & godfrey fighting & parting.

off to bed earlier than usual.

":-)" to shahieda, 21h29, 9 feb 10

"there r trains @ 10h20 & 11h26. if we meet @the library by 10h00 it should b fine?"sms to shahieda 21h12, 9 feb 10

"At 10 now thets Ayoba!" shahieda, 21h06, 9 feb 10

"Marcelino hi what tym is besy 4 u tomrw?id lyk to leav early if its ok wit u pls let me knw il pic u up at the library shahieda" shahieda, 20h52, 9 feb 10

thanksgiving on both 'ugly betty' & another sit-com...

"Sal j asb vir Sandra my CCMA papiere gee wat jou ma gefaks het.Moenie die confirmation page agterlaat nie.Ekt Sandfrr gevra om n paar klere te bring GODFREY" godfrey/lucy, 12h37, 7 feb 10

my cousin, krystl's 21st birthday party. the festivities are in their converted driveway. shernah & dillon are waitering. their mothers lorraine & yvonne catering. my little cousin, sh (my grandmother's 1st great-grandchild) wears blue framed spectacles. the sunset is amazing - overcast with lit pinks & blue-greys. uncle frank who owns the home gym around the corner is the photographer. he says i should come back.

abdullah also misses watching 'godzilla' on tv.

we see my cousins brent, garth & vena when we drop off cousin carmen & her mother let at magdalene (alvena & brent's mother)'s house where they board.

"LUCELLE CAMPBELL (X)" sms to lolla ...

"Hey het j n nommer van lousie wa ons godfrey kan bel arb?" lolla, 17h13, 3 feb 10

"Hi good mornin how u, are u still coming x" lucy, 7h35, 3 feb 10

Last Supper...

cream-soda marshmallow... .

at witching hour he comes back from sandra. godfrey tries talking to me but i feel unresponsive : he comes into the room and lies on the bed staring at the ceiling.

i didn't expect him to come back from sandra tonight. he starts talking but i can already sense the direction of "the talk" - we've been here before many times - i sooo don't want to be, here!? not again! ... this time around the conversation's very calm & considered though. (i wonder what they were talking about where he came from.) he says that i've been dishonest & indirect with him about my avowed poly-amorous inclination. (i'm still reading an essay about cybernetic capitalism on the 'puter as we talk.the cursor on screen & clock on the wall blink & tick in time. synchrony [?])... i say that i've always allowed him the permission to do as he pleases & live the open romantic relationship i profess without pursuing it myself. we disagree as usual, since the beginning. face to face now, we're here again; i feel so much turmoil but quiet calm at the same time. i don't think i should back down. i believe in poly-amory & i've been thru multiple relationships with him, always being courteous to him & his others. i expect the same. i didn't appreciate his sulking behaviour recently when an old friend visited, while i'm very friendly to his exes who we encounter often. (there's no one even on my gaydar. i don't know what his paranoia is about.) it's a stalemate.

i want to tell him about marilyn manson's libertine wedding vows (" Through the force of Air, directing principle of our intelligence and mind... forever you will respect who you really are," he intones. "...You will not be prisoners of an exclusive relationship.... Love is not seeking for a likeness but complementary differences.... Through the force of Fire, directing principle of our sexual energy, your pleasure shall be mutual and limitless...,") i'd researched & my favoured extropian principles (open society : " We approach others as potential sources of value, friendship, cooperation, and pleasure ") ...

but i don't think he cares nor would hear of it again. we'd spoken about 'heiros gamos' ages ago but he probably doesn't remember. after the stand-off he's off to sandra's @ 1 in the morning.

the library opens later than usual because staffers are ill.

i missed my primary school reunion this past weekend but maureen & lorraine (who's been feeling ill for a long time now) entertain me with naughty stories of when they were growing up - getting spanked at school; bunking; hiding the boys cigarettes in their skirts (lorraine was an a+ student; she shares how she bought her uniform with a school voucher she won from edgars in the heydays). reading l. ron. hubbard's philosophy on art.

godfrey rediscovers the sade 'life promise pride love' dvd.

help out briefly cutting dress patterns at the boutique.

i'd never heard the name "dailyn" before hearing of lolla's boyfriend recently but there's a "dailyn" in the 'ugly betty' crew titles.

godfrey performs the romantic gesture of making me rose tea .

reading marylin manson's ideas on the grotesque & watching 'ugly betty'.